Do you ever have those days when you just don’t know what you want? When you are restless but don’t want to move? You crave company but don’t really want to talk to anybody? My husband used to refer to that feeling as not knowing whether you want a shit, shave or a haircut; a strange expression but one that always used to make me laugh.
I have a question for you: Are you afraid of dying? Sorry, that was a bit blunt wasn’t it; let’s put it another way……..are you afraid of dying? Yes, I know it’s the same question but there isn’t really any other way to put it. I think most people would answer yes but why, it’s not as if anyone has ever come back and told us what it’s like; it could be that life as we know it is just an intro, something to be, at worst, suffered and, at best, tolerated until we move on to the really good stuff.
I just don’t seem to feel anymore, do you know what I mean? It’s not as though I don’t have feelings anymore; I can feel happy or sad or pissed off or whatever but there is nothing truly deep. After I lost my husband, over 4 years ago now (time which has seemed like eons and the blink of an eye), something that once resided in my very core just isn’t there anymore…..
At the age of 9 she was giving blow jobs in exchange for cigarettes. She was physically and sexually abused by her Grandfather. She had a incestuous relationship with her brother. At the age of 14 she had a child, the product of a rape committed by a friend of her Grandfather. After the birth of the child she was thrown out of her house and lived rough, whatever the weather. She never knew her Father but he was a paedophile who committed suicide in prison; her mother left her in the care of her abusive Grandfather when she was 4 years old. She had no-one so, to keep herself alive, she turned to prostitution while she was still a child…………This woman died aged 46.