This may not come as a shock to those of you who know me and I do wonder myself some days but I was quite surprised to be told that I need help by a journalist. The fact that it wasn’t just me she was addressing but all ‘women over 50’ didn’t make me feel any better! So, what now? Another bit of me is going to dry up or drop off? A scientist has decided that I should stop going to the gym because my skeleton is busy crumbling to dust inside my wrinkled skin?
Apparently I have a defective buttock. I have been reliably informed, by my Pilates instructor, that it has gone to sleep to the point of being comatose which means that my right buttock cheek is having to carry the lazy little bastard. What this means, in practical terms, is that my right buttock is constantly poking my pain sensors in a desperate attempt to get my attention and tell me to give it a rest for a couple of days.
Do you remember the last time that you had a head cold or how you felt? Like you wanted to cut your head off, empty out all the crap inside that’s been trying to force its way out of your nose for the last 24 hours? Wondering why an iphone can pinpoint your exact location on the planet but can’t come up with anything better than rest and drink plenty of fluids? Yep? Know what I mean?
Can I ask you a question? Have you ever had something happen to you that was really amazing but then you didn’t want to tell any of your friends about it in case they thought that you were a few sandwiches short of a picnic? You know, not the usual ‘what’s she done now’ accompanied by a fond, if slightly patronising smile, but a real ‘OK move away from the crazy lady’?
Do you feel less like your arse is attached to you and more like it’s following you? Have you reached an age where you look in the mirror and think ‘what the hell happened?’ Do you find yourself holding in your stomach to try and avoid fat rolls and muffin tops? Have you gone from slinky and seductive to baggy and comfy? Have you got wobbly bits that you’d rather you didn’t have? If the answer to any of these questions is yes then you’re probably thinking that you could do with dropping a few pounds…..
I can’t help but wonder if the people that put out these ‘quick and easy’ weight loss plans actually think about the people they are supposedly trying to help; if something is so ‘quick and easy’ how does it make the people feel who don’t shrink down to a size 10 in a couple of months? Like failures I would imagine – how is that helping?
I could tell you all that stuff but, quite frankly and without wishing to offend, it would be bollocks. There’s no excuse. I am in pain because I did not take my own advice. I knew damn well that the muscles in my lower back were tight and a little inflamed but, having discovered the new challenge of running up all the stairs around here I just ignored it.
Do you think that you’re a generous person? For example, if someone had a life threatening condition would you dip your hand in your pocket to help them out? Would you cough up, say, £50 a week to give them a chance at a happier and healthier existence?
If the problem is that Mr Gravity has given your boobs a hammering or having children just seems to have sucked the life out of them, there are some things that you can do to improve the situation. If you’re over 30 it’s highly unlikely that you’ll get back the upwardly pointing perky globes that you had in your late teens but you can try some exercises to stop them hitting your knees 10 years down the line.