It’s grey, not pink, that’s a bit of a shock
But now that it’s out let’s see what we’ve got
Too many, too much, I’ll make a big pile
Sifting through this could take quite a long while
Small heaps perhaps to the left and the right
The good and the bad, the dark and the light
This one is sadness, it must belong there
Along with contrition, pain and despair
This is a memory of happiness lost
Where do I put it? Shouldn’t it be tossed?
Or kept in a pile with hope and a dream
Of a ghost’s soft reproach ‘Carpe Diem’
Arranged before me, they’re not as I thought
A mountain on one side; how hard I fought
To hold an echo and hoard the shadows
A mound on the other, the things I chose
To leave in the light, hoping they would grow
Hope is the first, a sprout, starting to show
Joy is there too but a almost unrecognised
Love their companion albeit disguised
Now to decide, what to keep, what is thrown?
What goes back? Good or bad it’s all I’ve known
For so long, same thoughts again and again
It’s not so easy to clean out my brain.
The last few days have been pretty grim. Maybe it’s because Valentine’s day is just round the corner, maybe it’s because grief just decides to beat the crap out of you sometimes, I honestly don’t know but sadness is just eating away at me. I’ve spent the last 5 years finding coping mechanisms to stay strong and keep positive, to enjoy each day as it comes but, right now, I have negative thoughts chasing around my head like puppies on speed.
This morning I thought how wonderful it would be if I could just take out my brain, give it a good shake and get rid of all the negative shit that seems to be clogging it up – hence this poem. Have you ever felt like that? I’d love to hear from you if you have.