A S**t, Shave or a Haircut?

Do you ever have those days when you just don’t know what you want? When you are restless but don’t want to move? You crave company but don’t really want to talk to anybody? My husband used to refer to that feeling as not knowing whether you want a shit, shave or a haircut; a strange expression but one that always used to make me laugh.

Today is one of those days but, when his favourite saying popped into my mind, it made me want to cry rather than laugh because I can’t hear him saying it anymore. I remember him saying it but his voice, his intonations, his smile are all drifting farther and farther away with each day that passes.

I didn’t mean to write that; when I started this post it was going to be lighthearted, something to let people know that it’s OK not to have direction sometimes, to lose focus. That’s the problem with grief though, it wanders about in your brain, seemingly aimlessly sometimes, and then it kicks you in the emotional crotch. Hard. It takes something that made you happy and then mutilates it until it is not recognisable as the thing that it once was; like having your throat ripped out by a fluffy kitten.

The really irritating thing, the thing that makes me want to take out my brain and shake it, is that I know what I need to do to feel better. Intellectually, I understand that exercise will lift my mood, meditation will calm my mind, focusing on the positive will………you get the picture but, on days like today, it’s all bollocks! On days like today I want to sit in a corner and cry, bungee jump off a bridge, smash every plate I own, sit in the dark and listen to sad songs, go out into the sunshine, swim in the sea, stay in bed, be left alone, be held……..

On days like today I want my husband back, just for 5 minutes, so I can hear him saying

“It’s just one of those days, you don’t know if you want a shit, a shave or a haircut”

That can’t happen because he died and left me here alone, trying to hold on to the past and trying so hard to move forward, knowing all the damn while that I can’t do both.

So, please, help me out here, what you do on days like these?

Lisa

x

  35 comments for “A S**t, Shave or a Haircut?

  1. September 10, 2018 at 7:57 am

    As a man I’ve never lost a husband… there’s a zen saying, the pupil ask the master – how shall I escape the heat? the master replies go right into the center of the fire.
    perhaps the fire is the intensity of feelings and emotions, we run from them they follow us. We stop, they overwhelm us…. at first. but then we learn to accept them. the secret is to stop. Mindfulness may help. It’s my version of stopping,staying with the feelings. There will be a point, when the feelings come back, a sh*t,shave and a haircut and you welcome them. that takes such a long time,I know.

    Liked by 6 people

  2. Simone
    September 10, 2018 at 9:26 am

    I’m sorry you’re feeling this way Lisa, it’s the absolute worst feeling in the world! What do I do when I feel like this? Like you said, exercise is good; walking with some music is good. For me, yoga is really helpful because it’s mindful and I always leave feeling at least a bit better and more connected with myself. But I think one thing I’ve really learned over time is to accept the shit feelings, to realise that our mind is the sky (nice, clear and blue) but our thoughts, feelings and emotions are the clouds, and that they, too, shall pass. Throwing some wood around in the backyard is good, too!! But don’t forget that you are not alone; sometimes it feels like everyone else has their sh*t together but if we could get into other people’s minds, oh, goodness me!! Take care! xo

    Liked by 5 people

    • September 10, 2018 at 9:49 am

      Thanks so much for those kind and thoughtful words Simone, I really appreciate it 😊 xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. September 10, 2018 at 1:21 pm

    Book yourself a massage Lisa. You get human touch and company but do not have to talk if you don’t want to. It works for me. Sending a big hug my friend. x

    Liked by 5 people

  4. September 10, 2018 at 2:58 pm

    It is a strange so called stage of grief (if you believe “stages” exist) when this begins to happen. I understand exactly what you mean. You have almost reached the stage where you can think of the silly things and smile but as the savage piercing pain of fresh grief recedes it almost feels this is only reached because you are “losing” one of the last parts of that person that was still fresh and vivid in your mind. The smell, goes the touch and then you can’t hear their voice anymore in your mind.You almost wish you could feel the pain again if it bought the sharp memories back. I would cry, drink wine (lots of wine) and listen to sad songs, then get up tomorrow and it might be better. In the meantime know you are loved and never underestimate your ability to deal with this. You WILL get through it . xxxxx

    Liked by 3 people

    • September 10, 2018 at 3:10 pm

      Thank you my friend I know that you understand perfectly. Will take your advice on the wine 😊. Hugs coming your way xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. September 10, 2018 at 4:20 pm

    The fluffy cat part made me laugh, the rest made me actually cry. To miss someone, and love someone, so much that you long for “just 5 more (impossible) minutes” is so heart-wrenching. I know that in all likelihood I will go before my missus someday (I’m older than her, and a man, so statistics are in her favor, so to speak) and I know she will have incredible trouble with that, as I would if she went before me. Grief of that nature is almost impossible to understand unless you’ve been through it, but your words and the strength of your emotion has me feeling at least a fraction of it, and that is enough. Big hugs from America, my friend.

    Liked by 3 people

    • September 10, 2018 at 5:10 pm

      I’m sorry I stirred such emotions in you Tom (except for the laugh) and I’m grateful for your kind words and the hug from across the pond 😊 xxxxx

      Liked by 2 people

  6. September 10, 2018 at 7:06 pm

    I just don’t know the answer either! Sometimes I remember my mum is gone and I’m okay and then something will happen and I’ll go to pick up the phone and.. it’s like a physical punch. I can’t advise, I just don’t know how myself

    Liked by 2 people

  7. September 10, 2018 at 7:13 pm

    I’m so sorry. I have lost and grieved (still do) a different relationship and can talk more generally, since I don’t have the same experience that you do. When my mom died I was overwhelmed with grief and could barely function. In some ways that period was easier, though because my goals were so basic- eat, sleep, get up… Over time as my stages changed I felt, I guess trapped? My memories were fading but my sense of loss stayed strong. Sometimes I would catch myself in brief moments of happiness and then feel worse. It was like my grief equaled my love and if I dared smile, relax, get to some sort of normal it would mean I didn’t love her. It took a long time to come to me but I realized she would want me to be happy. I began to proactively think of good memories, then allow myself to think of and do other things. That part wasn’t easy- guilt would keep popping up, but I kept telling myself she would want me to be happy. That made me feel even more connected with her and I gave myself permission to move on from that stage of my grief. So now, as someone who’s probably going to die first in my family, I’ve told them I want them to be happy when I’m gone. I know I need to keep telling them but it needs to come up naturally. I’m hoping that it helps them when it’s time. I’m not assuming that this is part of what you’re going through- we’re all different. It’s just what came to my mind in hopes that I could help and if it didn’t, please know that you’re in my heart and I hope you receive the comfort and support you deserve.

    Liked by 2 people

    • September 10, 2018 at 7:35 pm

      You have no idea how much your words helped and I thank you so much for taking the time to write them. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and admire the bravery that you’ve shown here. Sending the biggest hug and, although I don’t do religion, my prayers for you and your kind heart xxxx

      Liked by 2 people

  8. September 10, 2018 at 7:48 pm

    Thank you so much- that means the world to me and I see so much good in you. Huge hug back at you, you’re in my positive thoughts and prayers too 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  9. September 10, 2018 at 9:33 pm

    Well Lisa, in my younger days it was a little more alliterative. I had to choose between a shit, shave, shower, and shampoo and, in reality, it wasn’t a choice because I did all of those every day (well, most days!)
    You don’t have a choice either. You know that. You know you’ve got to move forward, and you’ve made big strides to do so, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with hanging on to a bit of the past. It is right and proper that you should. Over time it will be easier, you know that already. There will be days when you don’t even think of your husband, then you’ll remember that you hadn’t thought of him, and you’ll feel guilty, and that’s OK too!
    That massage sounds a great idea. I reckon that should be a repeatable treat. Enjoy, and hugs to you.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. September 11, 2018 at 1:21 am

    Lisa……….I have NO idea what it would be like to lose a spouse so I can’t give you any advice, but I do want you to know that I am thinking about you and wishing and praying and hoping that your heart feels the love that people are sending you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • September 11, 2018 at 5:01 am

      Thank you so much my friend. To be honest I think the thing that’s helped me most in all this is sharing with my WP family; I am overwhelmed by the kindness of people. Lovevsnd hugs back to you Wendi 😊 xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • September 11, 2018 at 5:34 am

        so glad that you can feel the love my dear………I sure could from the comments that were left. you are a treasure here on wordpress.

        Liked by 1 person

      • September 11, 2018 at 6:17 am

        Ah bless you Wendi :O) I feel the same about you xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • September 11, 2018 at 2:38 pm

        thank you………..

        Liked by 1 person

  11. September 11, 2018 at 3:24 am

    My 12-step sponsor tells me it’s okay to have those days. It’s not like we can just turn off the feeling like a light switch. She also tells me that I need to put a time limit on it. I get to decide my time limit; and when that time is up, I have to get up and get into the solution (meetings, exercise, meditation, playing with my doggie). We also agree that it’s ok to eat our feelings every now & then, because it’s much better than trying to drown them with booze like we used to.
    (((hugs)))
    Sometimes, we feel squirrelly and don’t know whether we want to shit, shower, or shave. And that’s ok. Try setting a time limit. 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks, you decide. But when that time limit is up, you have to get into the solution.
    (((hugs)))

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 11, 2018 at 5:08 am

      Feeling ‘squirrelly’ I like that 😊 thanks Cynthia that’s really good advice and I appreciate it. Have woken up feeling more positive today so I’m going to get out there and enjoy my day. Thanks again and hugs back at you 😊 xx

      Liked by 1 person

  12. September 11, 2018 at 11:07 am

    First of all I would say “You are strong”. Strong enough to decide what you would like to do (Shit, Shave or haircut). To Hell with that Shit, Shave or Haircut, maybe you want to do something else or maybe nothing. Sometimes doing nothing is also something because in that period of time you are fighting with your boredom and still sitting idle. Trust me, doing nothing is a big deal and if you could do nothing then I would say “You are a BIG DEAL, my lady”.

    Next I would say, Look at you. Look at your picture “Riding horse like a pro”. It doesn’t matter if horse was real or not. What matter is you were happy and you deserved to be happy.

    I am sure nothing can fill that void in your life and time to time you’ll remember him. So do one thing decide today, what you are going to do when you’ll feel bad or low and do that thing whenever or for whatever reason you feel bad or low. When you repeat this process then automatically in your subconscious mind that thing which you have decided today will be engraved and whenever you’ll feel bad it will automatically trigger you to do that thing.

    Just remember one thing – “You are a big deal and no one and nothing can stop to be happy”

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 11, 2018 at 12:03 pm

      Thank you so much for taking the time to write these lovely words, I really appreciate it 😊 xx

      Liked by 1 person

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