Have you ever had one of those moments when a thought rocks up in your mind and does a ta-daah! with some jazz hands? A moment of clarity that lights up the inside of your head like a cerebral firework display? They don’t come along too often but when they do you just sit back and think ‘Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Huh!! Well that explains a lot’
I had one of those moments yesterday. I was not feeling like a little ray of sunshine, more a small dark cloud that you know is just going to drizzle on you all day and I got to thinking……why do I keep feeling like this? Just when things seem to be going my way at long last, and I’m finding contentment again, these negative thoughts gatecrash my happy part and fuck it all up. Then it hit me! My subconscious was screwing with me!
I’m not sure what sort of relationship you have with your subconscious but mine is a bit of a dick. He sneaks around behind the scenes mugging perfectly rational thoughts and then beating them up until they agree to become neuroses; even the strong, positive ones usually cave in and become niggling doubts! Anyway, I digress,where was I? Oh yes right my moment of clarity……
Just to give a bit of context here, I lost my husband just over 4 years ago; we received the diagnosis of cancer in the July and he was gone by the following April. At the time we were as happy as we had ever been; we’d previously had a rough few years because my husband lost both his parents after long illnesses and looking after them had put a great strain on him. I’d had issues with my business which had a put a strain on me as well but we’d got past all that and we finally had it all: a lovely home, no money worries, trips abroad a couple of times a year, week-ends away when the fancy took us. More than that, we were completely happy together; I had never been as happy as I was then……..
And what happened? Life, God, alternative existential entity comes along and pulls the metaphorical rug out from under me. Pulls it so hard that I do a complete cat flap and crash onto my back barely able to breathe, let alone move. It was like a cosmic slapstick comedy moment: Your life is perfect? Excellent! Now, wait for it, here comes the pie in the face……oh how the universe must have chuckled!
Anyway, getting back to my bastard of a subconscious, it seems that he had been busy linking those two things together – ‘complete, total happiness’ and ‘World ending heartbreak’. Now, to give him his due, it may be that, in some twisted way, he was trying to protect me but the message that he sent to my cerebral cortex was:
“Each time you start to feel happy – STOP!!!! If you don’t something terrible will happen!!”
Can you see now why it was a bit of a Eureka moment? I was stopping myself from being happy because I had mentally connected being happy with being miserable…..as I said my subconscious is a sick and twisted little sod. So what does all this mean? Well, I’m hoping that, now I’ve realised what he’s been up to, I’ll be able to stop him then next time he tries to screw with my happiness.
Have you ever had anything like that? A moment of clarity that just put everything into perspective for you? Let me know, I’d love to hear from you….