Am I Dead Inside?

I just don’t seem to feel anymore, do you know what I mean? It’s not as though I don’t have feelings anymore; I can feel happy or sad or pissed off or whatever but there is nothing truly deep. After I lost my husband, over 4 years ago now (time which has seemed like eons and the blink of an eye), something that once resided in my very core just isn’t there anymore…..

I have nothing to complain about; I have a great life, I have wonderful friends and a loving family but there is something missing. Even as I’m writing this I’m thinking ‘stop! you’re feeling sorry for yourself, you have so many things to be grateful for, buck your ideas up!’ As that thought leaves me, another one arrives ‘why are you writing this on a public forum? People don’t want to listen to you whinging on, type something positive for God’s sake!’ Now I want to cry…..

I want to break down and cry for the part of me that I lost when the only man I ever really loved left me but I’ve done that, so, so many times and, quite frankly it’s exhausting and futile and it will change nothing. I know that I must live in the moment and appreciate every second of my life because it’s a wonderful gift, a one time special offer from the big man upstairs that could be taken away before I’ve even finished writing this BUT. Why is there always a but? I’ve spent the last 15 odd years training my mind to think positively, to find beauty or, at the very least a lesson, in every single experience I’ve had but I honestly wonder if all I have done is to fashion a well-fitting and highly realistic mask……..

Before my life changed so dramatically (oh bloody hell, now I sound like a complete drama queen) I used to laugh. Something would just strike me as absolutely hysterical and I simply wouldn’t be able to stop; do you know what I mean? The kind of laugh that is loud, then silent, before it starts again and you end up sounding like Mutley because you can’t breathe properly. Your eyes start watering and you go all red in the face, your stomach hurts and you can’t move. Yes? Well that just doesn’t happen any more; I laugh but nothing seems funny enough to make me laugh like that…….

I like to go out. I go out more now than I did when my husband was still alive and, invariably I enjoy myself but I don’t need to be with people. If someone cancels at the last minute it’s a bit disappointing but I just find something else to do. There is no-one in my life that I couldn’t live without simply because I am living my life without the one person that I can bear to be without…….

I miss being loved. I know my family and my friends love me and I love them too but not in the same way. I miss being held close, in the dark, giggling, being whispered to, making love, feeling desired, feeling beautiful, feeling sexy and special and 100 other things. I miss my husband, so much…..

I’m so sorry for this self-indulgent post but you’re the only people I can really talk to about all this because you don’t know me and you’re not here in front of me seeing me cry. Also because I know that the people close to me in real life are probably sick to death of me banging on about how empty I feel when one of these days comes along so I try not to anymore and just keep to myself until it passes….which it does….every time.

I’ll blame this moment of weakness on the fact that I’m really tired. One of the huge boats moored up outside my apartment had a massive party complete with heavy base music; it didn’t keep me awake last night but it did rouse me shortly before 05.30 this morning…

If you’re wondering why a party on a boat would wake me up – I live close to Monaco and it’s the Grand Prix this weekend so there are huge parties everywhere. There, you see, what have I got to moan about? I live in the bloody South of France for Christ’s sake – how lucky can you get!!???

The me before would have been really excited about that. As it is, now, I’ll smile and count my blessings and hope that, one day, I’ll get my mojo back and, whatever died inside me, will somehow be resurrected…

Lisa

x

  25 comments for “Am I Dead Inside?

  1. Sadah
    May 26, 2018 at 7:43 am

    Great piece.

    Like

    • May 26, 2018 at 7:46 am

      So kind. Thank you Sadah

      Like

      • Sadah
        May 26, 2018 at 7:47 am

        Would you like to share your content on our open blogging social website and get your blog to reach more people?

        Like

  2. May 26, 2018 at 7:52 am

    Very well written.. I hope you find happiness again

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Tito Jay
    May 26, 2018 at 10:21 am

    Hi Lisa,

    So sorry for your loss. One reality of life is that as we get older more and more of the people we love die. My sister’s husband died 3 months ago. He had just turned 60. There was a time I thought 60 was old, but not anymore. I cannot imagine what I would do if my wife passed. Do you have children? Are your parents alive? Do you have siblings? I don’t know your situation except that you wrote that you are from England, but are living in France. I guess I was wondering if being closer to family would be helpful for you.

    Peace

    Jay

    Liked by 1 person

    • May 26, 2018 at 11:19 am

      Thanks Jay for your comment and your kind words. I never had children although I have 2 step daughters who live in the UK as do my parents. My brother lives close to me but we don’t see each other that often as he and his family are away a lot. Saying that I have a few close friends that I’ve made since I came here so I’m a lot better off than some. It’s beautiful here and it wall to wall sunshine today so there’s a lot to be thankful for.
      Thanks again and have a wonderful day 😊

      Like

  4. Ataraxik
    May 26, 2018 at 12:00 pm

    Sounds like your dealing with a loss. I’m not an expert, but whenever I’m sad, I just focus on goals and hanging out with friends. Sometimes it feels good to accept that sadness though, and roll with it.

    Maybe you should get a bottle of wine, drink all of it, and listen to the saddest music possible and then just ball your eyes out for an evening. It sounds stupid, but might actually feel pretty good.

    Liked by 1 person

    • May 26, 2018 at 1:59 pm

      Actually that’s usually what happens; all gets a bit too much – day or two of utter self pity and then pick up and get on with life – the wine and music (or sad film) definitely helps 😊 x

      Like

  5. May 26, 2018 at 1:59 pm

    Lisa. This really moved me. Whilst the situation is different I do recognise those feelings.
    I did not see this as you complaining. My first instinct was to offer a hug. Seriously, get in touch if you want a chat. You do not deserve to feel this way. Let us help.

    Liked by 2 people

    • May 26, 2018 at 2:04 pm

      Oh shit that made me cry. Thank you so much, it means more than you can imagine to have people like you reach out – you’re so incredibly kind. I’m not so great at sharing my feelings hence the blog but it’s a help just to know that someone is there. Thank you 🙏🤗😘

      Liked by 2 people

      • May 26, 2018 at 2:08 pm

        I hate to think of anyone feeling that way. My WP friends have been lifesavers to me. Offer is always there.

        Liked by 1 person

      • May 26, 2018 at 2:10 pm

        Thanks Darren. It’s taking a while but I’m really starting to feel a comradeship on here and it’s really helping (although it might not seem like it today). Thanks again – really means a lot x

        Like

      • May 26, 2018 at 3:01 pm

        No prob. Dx

        Like

    • May 26, 2018 at 2:07 pm

      Ps is the artwork on your blog your own work Darren? If so you’re really talented!

      Liked by 1 person

      • May 26, 2018 at 2:09 pm

        Yes it is – and thank you! Moving towards being semi professional but it is hard to find the time what with the day job etc.

        Like

      • May 26, 2018 at 2:11 pm

        Wow 😮 well I know virtually nothing about art but I was seriously impressed – I really hope you make it x

        Like

      • May 26, 2018 at 3:01 pm

        Thank you😍

        Like

    • May 30, 2018 at 5:28 pm

      Totally agree, if you ever need an ear or someone just to rant off at…….I’m available, just like many others to give you that support…..,.x

      Like

      • May 30, 2018 at 5:36 pm

        You are so kind – thank you and the same applies if you need a good old rant – hugs xx

        Liked by 1 person

  6. May 26, 2018 at 2:10 pm

    Amazing, honest, and inspirational, Lisa. Sometimes we take for granted the most important things in our lives. I know I do. Thanks to you, Mrs C is about to wake up to a big hug and a whole world of understanding. See, this is what blogging is all about. We. Affect. Lives. Thank you for affecting mine today. Thank you for sharing. You got more mojo than you know. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  7. May 26, 2018 at 5:36 pm

    I nominate you to do the “get to know me” tag. It is up to you to participate. https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/145173519/posts/574#comment-959
    🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. May 30, 2018 at 1:41 am

    Thank you for sharing this! I very much appreciate your honesty in this post. And no, this isn’t whining, this is being real!! Not enough people do that anymore. I go on Instagram (or any social media really) and it seems all I see is girls bragging about how amazing their lives are, and it often seems they intentionally want to make people feel inferior. That’s why I love that you are able to talk about the hard stuff, something even I have trouble doing most of the time! If more people were open about the not-so-pretty parts of life, I think the world would be a happier place overall! Blessings! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • May 30, 2018 at 6:23 am

      Thank you so much for your kind comments Steph Anie. You are absolutely right, the world would be a happier place if we were more open and honest with each other. Have a great day xx

      Liked by 2 people

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